Let’s talk about boundaries.

What are they?

There are plenty of definitions, but I keep returning to the same few sources when I need a reminder.

In their aptly-titled book Boundaries, Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend define boundaries as “property lines that define a person.” That’s already a refreshing shift from the usual defensive language we typically hearabout “placing limits” or “reinforcing rules.”

Think about your house. It has property lines. And those property lines give you freedom.

Want to build a treehouse? Go for it.

Want to paint your house a different color? No problem.

Want to host art classes in your backyard? Have at it.

Those same lines also make responsibility clear. When it snows, it’s my job to clear my sidewalk. I have to mow my lawn, not my neighbor’s. My neighbors and I have lawns that sit right next to each other. Without property lines, it’d be unclear whether I’m mowing their lawns too. That’s their responsibility, not mine.

Cloud and Townsend recap, “Boundaries let the good in and keep the bad out.”

Another way they say it that I really appreciate (and pay attention to the specific word choice and order here):

“Boundaries… help people learn when to say yes and know how to say no in order to take control of their lives.“

Not “when to say yes or no.”

Not “how to say yes or no.”

“When to say yes and how to say no.”

Because these are the things most of us have trouble with. We’re generally fine with how to say “yes.” We’re generally good with when to say “no.”

But when to say yes? That implies that there are times when we shouldn’t say yes. That’s news to some, especially people pleasers. How do we decide that?

And the natural follow-up: if there are times when we shouldn’t say yes, that means that are times when we should say no. Even if we agree with that, how do we do it in a way that isn’t rude, cold, or dismissive?

Why boundaries are especially elusive for designers

These aren’t just professional challenges; they’re human ones.

The recent wisdom is to “bring your whole self to work,” which is generally a motivational admonition that you don’t have to compartmentalize or hide your identity, values, emotions, or background to succeed professionally. But our whole selves are imperfect, so we can’t really prevent our struggles from also hitching a ride into the office as well.

In her excellent book Set Boundaries, Find Peace, Nedra Glover Tawwab outlines what boundaries issues at work generally look like:

• Doing work for others
• Taking on more than you can handle
• Not delegating
• Saying yes to tasks you can’t responsibly complete
• Engaging in stressful interactions
• Doing jobs intended for more than one person
• Not taking needed time off

That list fits almost any knowledge worker. But for designers, it hits even harder:

• Our job is to do work for others.
• Design can touch everything, so scope creep is basically embedded in the job.
• Many designers are the only one on their team, so there’s usually no one to delegate to.
• We romanticize “impossible” challenges. Solving them is how we “prove our value.”
• Pitching to stakeholders, delivering creative under pressure, selling ideas that aren’t guaranteed to land? We live in stressful interactions.
• It takes a full kitchen staff to deliver one plate at a restaurant. Yet we expect one “founding designer” to carry the vision for a billion-dollar startup.
• “Unlimited PTO” sounds nice until you realize the work never stops. Then what?

As you can see, the forces conspire against us.

What’s a designer to do?

In next week’s issue, I’ll show you how to have and hold boundaries as a designer and what they actually look and sound like in the real world.

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